My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i will never coherently bang her
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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