Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
