What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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