You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
