You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
