I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I need help removing her.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
