I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
