ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
