I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
