I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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