Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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