For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Im part way to drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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