Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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