You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
