3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
