I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
