I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
