you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
