Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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