the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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