Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
