i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
