i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
