so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize