Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
