Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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