I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
