i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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