i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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