i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
