im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
