I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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