In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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