Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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