I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
