My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
you made out with another girl for some wings
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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