I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
