I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
