Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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