Please, let me fuck your mom
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
