Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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