I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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