I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
