You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
