Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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