I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
