I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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