I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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