btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
