I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
