omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
