why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
