I'm pants shitting drunk right now
True but thats because hes a fetus.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
