no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
