I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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